Talk:Mastin2

About my semi-retirement:

I really don't want to do it. It sucks. I hate the idea. Of having a lesser version of my fate two years ago, of having a similar problem to Pine, who also site-flaked.

But I've seen my old self, seen my new self, and realized...they'd become the same, again. I look at my older new self, and I see the player I want to be (or--at least--working to be said player): good, solid, strong. (Well, for the most part, anyway. :P) I look at my current new self, and I see the player I used to be, and apparently have continued to be: the Village Idiot who...isn't what he needs to be.

I don't want to stop playing. But games are more than just me. They have other players, and a moderator. I can't let my selfish desire to keep playing get in the way. I can't let my desire to win get in the way. I can't let my desire to have fun ruin a game. I can't let my desire, to be the player I've always wanted to be...get in the way of the simple fact that I'm NOT that person (yet, anyway). My influence on games recently has been negative.

Yes, I have somewhat cleaned up my act. But not by much. I'm not nearly as improved as I originally thought I was. I have changed virtually nothing about who I am. Do you know just how frustrating that is? To learn that my two-year site hiatus was wasted for nothing, that my play is still not good?

I need to refocus my priorities.

This is not just about me online, though. I realize that in Real Life, I'm quite frankly busy as well. With so many back-to-back V/LAs, I don't predict having full unrestricted access until something like February, maybe March of 2012. It's part of the problem I had in 2009.

If I didn't have my real-life problems, I could keep on playing frequently and still try to improve my play, now that it's been brought to my attention just how much I suck.

If I didn't suck, then I wouldn't care about the real-life problems, and would continue playing without a worry.

Since I have both, the combination means me playing actively is just too risky. As mentioned, if I started one game, I'd be tempted to start another...then another...and soon enough, I'm in a dozen games, unwillingly having overloaded myself again.

I don't want that to happen.

So, if someone asks me to play, I will play. I'm not such a popular guy that I'll be getting requests to play every single day. :P If I see a hydra opportunity (there's some overlap, obviously, but the two aren't necessarily the same: I can take the initiative on the hydra), I'll take it gladly and play that way.

I will continue to mod, because modding's probably the only thing I have consistently been praised for.

I will get into MD some more.

I will still read games.

I'll still be logging in every or close-to-every day.

I just won't be playing as much as I want to, for fear of what I'd become.